now you know...

wow. i really really really cannot comprehend. why the fuck is everything falling apart?...for me. it's so frustrating. it's so unfair. i don't know how to react at times. nothing remains the same. nothing is how it was. oh how naive was i to think that everything would work out in the end. if i wasn't so emotionally shy, i wouldn't be in this state that i'm in it at all. no one knows, no one can tell..but deep inside i'm hurting so so much. i feel isolated. and it's painful. even more painful because everything i believed in, everything i kept my faith in has turned their backs against me. and for no justifiable reason. i try my hardest to keep my cool. but fuck..it's hard as shit. i had no idea i would be in this situation, especially at this most significant point in my life. i know i've fucked up, i know i did things i shouldn't have done, said things i shouldn't have said. but honestly, was it that big of a deal that it was necessary to make me feel this way. i'm not gonna lie, i've been more alone in my life...it just hurts ten times worse this time. because i thought i had it all. i was so caught up, in fact too caught up. how could i be so fucking stupid? such a fucking pushover. fuck me for believing that i was important at all. i'd never want to see you in my situation, so fucking stupid of me to think you'd want the same for me. it's too late for me to do anything about it now. all i can do is just walk around like i'm not hurting..because i know it's wrong, so wrong of me to show how i feel. when all this time you told me to speak up for myself, well fuck you. i can't even believe i'm writing from this perspective right now. fuck.

so today was my registration for senior year. i can't believe how quickly it has taken me to get through the past three years. i remember walking into school as a freshman. i remember feeling so vulnerable, so scared. now, being the eldest group in the school. it's absolutely crazy. it's weird to think that we won't have anyone to look up to, to be intimidated by, to be friends with and admire their friendship. no one older to be there and give us advice on what to do. we're the older ones. it's our job now to share our insight to those younger than us. i never imagined being at this point in my life, it all just seemed so far away, but now it's finally here. it's all in our grasp now, we can taste it, we can feel it. a few weeks ago, my mom pointed out how short life really is. it should be cherished with all of our abilities, it should be lived to the fullest. i completely agree. we grow up with a group of people, who are there day and night. always on call to be there if you need them to. in about a year or so, some of these people will never play the same role in your life again. i think about all the ups and downs i've experienced in the past few years. all the negativity and hateful things that have happened. they were all such a waste of time. it's such a shame that i had to realize all of this at this point in my life, where i only have one year of high school left to enjoy. because of this, i have promised myself that i will not partake in anything that can ruin any friendships or situations. i will do my best to really LIVE this year. i want to live it so much, so badly. as everyone before me has said, "high school will be the best four years of your life". i truly understand where they are all coming from. i understand that high school is that four years in which you can be reckless and irresponsible and still take away the best memories you've ever had. that's why it angers me so much to see others try their hardest to spark up unnecessary drama, it's likely everything will be okay in the end anyways. so why even start trying? i don't want to look back and regret anything. i don't want to look back and think of the friendships i could have saved, the friendships i could have had, or the things i should have done. i want to do everything. i'm so eager. call me crazy, but this year will be the best year of my life and i know it. i know that i will experience things i never wish to, things i never thought i would, and things that i would appreciate for the rest of my life. i promise myself. i will make this unforgettable.

this little thing we have here is so precious to me. i don't think you'll ever understand. it's something i'm willing to fight for...til the very end. because i know that after everything, we'd think back and reminisce. we'd say how grateful we are for one another. we'd say how every moment we spent together was worth it. we'd say that we did need each other. we'd say all these things and really mean it. i believe in living the one life you have to the fullest. and i believe, strongly, that i need you in order for me to accomplish that. there are doubts, there are "we'll sees" and "maybes". i completely understand. yes, i know it will require effort from all perspectives. but we've already gotten this far my dear friends...you know you need me, because i sure as hell need you. everything has changed now that you're here. i just need to know that you'll walk along with me. we have this and only this. for an entire year. for the one and only entire year we have left.

i've built up so much emotion this past year. failing to truly identify what's wrong, too busy occupying myself with my friends and social status. i don't think i set myself up for this. i know it most frequently seems like there's nothing that bothers me. i know i indefinitely show my expressions of happiness, carelessness, and my unreal behavior of being content. but oh my, lately it's been catching up. i always question myself, i always wonder why i can never see things the way others do. i feel like i have no control over anything whatsoever. i get this feeling in my throat, i can hardly swallow. i watch those closest to me experience hardships. hardships i've experienced in the past...to a degree in which one will never know. i don't like being the one who compares what i've been through to what others are going through. yet here i am, failing to console those who i care for. i'm afraid. afraid of what's to come. afraid of what hasn't happened yet. i don't know how else to put my thoughts into words. i should just stop..i need reassurance. i'm not ready for change. yet i think it's what's needed most in my life right now. fuck. i don't know what i'm saying. i'll stop.

back on track. this time i'm going to really get myself to a point where i'm satisfied. i've said this time and time again...but i was thrown off by what's been happening lately. okay, i promise. i'll just try and keep up.

you're pathetic. absolutely pathetic. after so long, who would've thought that you would still be lingering on the same subject. it makes me wonder if you're just foolish and attempting to be funny, or if there's something more to your actions. kindly leave me out of your childish statements. thank you.

i thought of it today, i didn't think i ever would. it finally caught up to me. i hate to say it, but you were right. i am such a fool...it means as much as yesterday.

If I could offer you one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience... I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh, never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried
mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with your's. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you suceed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year-olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40. Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can... don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines they will only make you feel UGLY.

Brother and sister together we'll make it through.
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there.
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there for you.
And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they might be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise, Politicians will philander, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

i once thought of how much improvement my life needed. i contemplated the many situations i could spare myself if such changes occurred. i've been entirely selfish. not only did i base my thoughts on what i wanted, but on how or to what extent it would benefit me. i also have been making very poor decisions. my current being is the exact opposite of what i claimed i would never turn into. then again, it was completely naive of me to say such things...especially through high-school. i just want to apologize for my actions. not only do i apologize to those who i've hurt because of my recklessness, but i also apologize to those who once had faith in me. i didn't have self-respect. i didn't have self-control. i was delirious. of course now that i've done everything and have seen it from a personal perspective i plan to change my ways. that's the way it goes, you have to experience it for you to truly understand the complexities of the situation. that's how it was for me. only my closest friends and myself know how hard i'm working on trying to improve. i am, gradually. not saying that i will never do the things i've done, because that would be hypocritical in every way. i will do it...sooner or later. what i am working on is that i have learned my priorities and i plan on living up to the potential that many see in me. the potential that i see in myself. the distractions and leisure time will always be there, but the time to find myself will not. i've learned that the most essential things in my life are my family and friends. they're all i need, and all i ever will need. people will have their doubts, i sure as hell do. but i can do it, i am doing it, and i will be a better version of myself. just you wait and see :)

i'm frustrated. i'm very frustrated with you. i don't think you understand how much change you're asking for in such a small matter of time. it's not like i've known you for a long time to know you entirely, in which i don't at all. i think i just had the wrong impression of you from the beginning. instead, that's what you gave me. you talk about changing for the better, in which i support you with everything i have. i really do. and i'm certain that all your "closest" friends feel the same way. just the manner you're coming about it is what gets me. i know you've decided this for the sake of your future and for the one thing you truly give your heart and soul to. i understand that completely, yes. but don't. and i mean don't. convince yourself that it was partly OUR fault that your actions have been the way they are recently. and by ANY means, tell me what i have done wrong to you for you to say the things that you've said. the way i live my life, the things i do, the things i've done are all a part of who i am. and for you to use all these in a derogatory tense really hurts me. to use me and my friends in order to sound "inspiring" is really not what i expected from you. not only have you hurt me, but you've hurt those who truly care about you. yeah you might've seen it as temporary, but we sure as hell didn't. i know my place, i know that i will succumb to those who show their respect and appreciation towards me. and did to you. i tried to be nothing but helpful in the most ways i could've possibly been. even doing the most insignificant things for you. then leading to the word insignificant, in which you have made those around you feel. ESPECIALLY for me. oh, you just don't know how much you've embarrassed me, how stupid you've made me felt, and how greatly you've hurt me. please believe me when i say, i was stupid to attach myself. i was stupid to do things that i don't usually do for other people. and mostly, i was stupid for believing that you were more than what you're showing. it's low. really fucking low. what else i think is stupid...that you took every word we said to heart. when do we ever mean the insulting things we say? you should know us well enough to get that, yes it was wrong for us to say them in the first place, but honestly we're mature enough to talk to someone who's bothering us..or at least i think most of us are. on another note, i agree with you...life is about setting your priorities for the convenience of yourself, not others. i just can't seem to understand why you have to use the lifestyle you lived not that long ago and the lifestyle those around you are currently living in such a way of disgust. instead, admit to what you've done. learn from it. face it. there's a great difference between being productive and being arrogant. another thing, you're trying to learn appreciation? it's impossible to appreciate someone or something if you take so many for granted. even your own best friend feels as if nothing she does can ever be enough for you. you give the term "best friend" a very negative meaning. i know i sound like i'm bashing you in all ways possible. but you should know i'm not that kind of person, unless it really needed to be addressed. and it did. apparently. go on, do what you feel is right for you. i'll support you either way. be the best you can be, because i know you can. i'm not going to hold you back. i want you to succeed. trust me, i do. i'm trying my hardest to hold on to the person i thought you were and seeing you off positively. i don't think i can. what you said, i will never forget. how you said it, i will never forget. but right now, i wish you...i could forget.

oh you know i wouldn't have made it.